February 20, 2005

I'm really sad today -- to be honest, I can't remember the last time I've felt this way. My heart is aching for Kevin and Elise, and little Porter.

On Tuesday of this week (Feb 15), Elise was admited to the hospital after her water broke in the middle of the night. The next day she delivered Porter Bryce Wolff, roughly two months early. The baby weighed just over 3 pounds. Initially everything looked well (given the situation), but sometime Wednesday evening the baby was transfered to the neonatal intensive care unit, and his health got steadily worse.

We were initially told he contracted pneumonia as a result of being born with strep, and that he wasn't producing enough white blood cells to beat the illness on his own. As is the case with many pre-mature babies, he also wasn't breathing on his own. Over the past few days he's had all sorts of trouble. His kidneys aren't working properly and he's having siezures regularly. Despite all this (and with the aid of life-support) he's hanging on to life even now.

Elise and Kevin are really hurting -- there have been alot of "lows" over the past few days. Our family has shed many tears over this situation, and we've prayed alot. Kevin and Elise are wrestling with the decision to instruct the doctor to remove the life support systems. We were with them over at mom and dad's house this evening, and talked about the decision with them. Kevin says that he feels some measure of peace when he thinks about discontinuing life support, but the very thought of it is extremely difficult. Erin and I can only imagine.

Erin and I went to the temple on Saturday with the ward. I had a hard time concentrating. We read "The Peacegiver" in the car on the way there and back. I was touched by the authors description of the several facest of the atonement of Christ -- very touched. It's quite hard to put into words, but I learned (among many other things) somewhat of how the atonement heals heartache and pain, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about this, especially in light of Kevin and Elise.

I'm sure Kevin and Elise have fasted and prayed as earnestly and sincerely about this situation as anything they've ever fasted and prayed about in thier whole lives. Kevin told me this evening that he feels no strong revelation over what to do. Grandpa Melchin once taught us that when the Lord doesn't reveal to us what we should do, perhaps we should be asking what we should learn from bearing the burden. What are Kevin and Elise to learn from this? What am I to learn from this? I'm not entirely sure, but I have certainly seen remarkable growth in Kevin over the past few days. He is growing in a way that comes only those who suffer this type of heartache. Tonight he said that he's learned what's important in life and what's not. By observation, I've learned this too.

I wish I had happier things to write about tonight. I wish that Kevin and Elise were doing thier normal Sunday evening family visit routine. I sincerly hope that we all can be changed for the good because of this.

More than once, while feeling sad, I've had the thought that there are worse things that are happening around the world today -- more hurtfull, more painfull things even than a very sick infant. After reading The Peacegiver I am reminded that Christ not only suffered the pain of sins of the world, and also for all of the pain caused to others because of these sins -- but He also suffered all the heartache of mortality -- and becasue of this suffering, He, and He alone, has power to heal our hearts no matter what mortal pain we suffer.

May He heal Kevin and Elise's heartache.